Self-esteem rant

So, I recently had an encounter with my dear old friend self-esteem. She’s been really good to me lately. We’ve been working together quite well and I thank her for that. The thing that upset me is that she let a comment get to her and because she was terribly bothered by it, I had to comfort her but I can’t hold the weight on my own without self-image. Self-image had to come in and save the day but what I forget is that she relies deeply on self-esteem. When self-esteem is feeling like shit, self-image sympathizes and starts questioning herself! So here I am, in a rut because my two best friends are in a frenzy over some measly comment but I think today, I am giving the opportunity for self-esteem to rant.

Self-esteem here. I’m spectacular now but I wasn’t recently. Let me spill. Ellen decided to have a couple drinks on a Monday, aka her Friday. I love when she takes me out and depending on the crowd, it will sometimes feel good. I was out with her and her roommate. We were having a blast! We were cute, just ourselves but I know once Ellen had the liquor, she wants to do more. When she has more, I get confused. I can’t handle myself! But what can you do? She never listens to me until I act up. Then she goes slamming doors, calling her bestie and looking for validation. We decided to go to the infamous, grody, place The Silver. I hate the Silver. There’s nothing but dirty scums that make me feel like “I’m” the dirty scum. Fuck that place! Fuck ‘em! So we went anyways. I can only handle it for a bit because if no one is buying, I’m flying. Literally, I’m bouncing off the fucking walls hoping that some prince charming will come rescue me. Ellen has me validating myself through the means of compliments. This bitch got me fucked up. It doesn’t help that she parties. Partying messes with the equilibrium and has me thinking backwards! Like, we didn’t come this far solely on alcohol, Ellen. Meditation and self-reflection, exercise and good jams. She forgot how we got this far and reclaimed the motto, “Fuck bitches, get money.” My poor Ellen, she needs to realize in order for us to be the best that we can be, we have to do our best!
Where was I? Oh yes the Silver. We rammed through that motherfucker, saw her friend and….the douche. Ellen’s been doing this for a while and don’t get me started on this motherfucker. She lives in the fairy tale land of side chick delusions, thinking that once she makes him fall for her, he’ll leave his girlfriend. One thing’s for sure is that she cares too much about others and if that even happens, I’ll have a ball and we’ll be fucked eternally but she won’t want to commit. I know this for sure about her because she’s scared. The funny thing is that he already has but he hasn’t.
He was the last person I wanted to see so I thought tonight is only going to go up or down. There are never any inbetweeners, let’s be real. I noticed his girlfriend wasn’t around either and boy did Ellen get excited. I was hesitant. You see, in the back of my mind, when we party messy, there are only messy outcomes and he wasn’t an exception to good clean fun. He started dirty talking us whilst playing pool whispering in our ears, “Tonight, I just want to get at least one of my balls near your hole.”
Fast forwarding to where the setting is at our humble abode. He has fuck eyes from here on out. We go out to smoke a cigarette with him and Ellen’s acting surprised as if what comes out of his mouth is the first time of fuckery. They argue and she tells him how she wishes he was a “real dude” and he replies, “I wish you were a hot girl!” She had done it to me again. I was weak. Nothing like a good old fashion jab at the appearance to make a woman feel like shit for a couple days until good ‘ol validation calls a friend. He said he didn’t mean it but it was already too late and we both know he meant it. I didn’t let it get the best of me until the next day.
We slept with him but not Ellen’s preference of sleeping with someone while the party pulled an all-nighter. We glowed from the words that leaked from his lushful mouth stating that he didn’t mean what he said. He will “always like us.” It sickened us both that we were content from the thought but in the back of my mind, it wouldn’t change what he said and how Ellen felt.
The next morning, the party kept rolling. We ran errands for a dear friend who we have to thank for many ego centric nights so today was in his favor. It was good until an idea was slipped in our minds that her roomie was left alone with the douche at the house. He did it to his girl; he will definitely do it to us. Her roomie’s relationship with her self-esteem would let it happen too. We were stranded at a downtown Cantina after a failed power steering. They waltz in, happy as ever like they just fucked. I know what Ellen was thinking and it was killing me. He was acting guilty, suspect, and everything that comes with the territory. Ellen finally got it out of her roomie but I didn’t want to know. I knew either way it was something bad and I already felt like shit to the point I had Ellen questioning herself. It was her fault regardless. She puts me through this shit at times and the liquid fire only amplified her ritual vices of love. He made a pass at the roomie and I almost died. I know Ellen loves her roomie, but we don’t compare Ellen, we just don’t! Right?! She’s a little masculine with a guy repellent walk, rugged in fashion and not like how some girls pull off in a hipish way. She looks dirty as if she smells of stink vag. We are practically the same size but I have height on her and he told her that she’s attractive and why not him? Then where the fuck do I stand? There’s one thing that me and Ellen had to overcome for years and that was the acceptance of her mixed complexion and the domination of “looking black.” She rationed with herself and her roommate of how she is way better than him but what’s done is done. Move us on because we only get fucked up when he’s around. The crazy thing is, is that I feed off of what he puts down good or bad that I self-diagnosed myself of being bi-polar because my moods can go 0-100 nigga real quick with him.
Ellen is always claiming that every last time is the last time but I know it isn’t. I believe in her. I’ll give her a fighting chance because today I am spectacular. With the help of her cousin that insisted everything we already knew of ourselves, we were back on track again. Don’t let me down Ellen. Everything from now on is uphill.