Day 10: Redemption/Return to Sender

This was the last challenge for the This is Love, This is Murder Valentine’s day Blog Challenge.  This is the final straw! This is what is wrapping up the challenge and it was hard to think of a strong finish to top off the rest of the writings I have completed throughout the 10 days. I hope you enjoy. Make sure to check out my bestie’s Nilo’s rendition of the prompt.

Discouraged, looking ugly, I hate myself, I can’t do anything,

Sitting at the bedside head low weeping why me?

Anyone or anything can easily make me feel like shit

Leads me to believe that I really ain’t shit

Do I believe that I’m more than I really am,

Telling myself that I’m the horrible friend

These constant soul searches seem useless

When your still fucking up thinking I can’t do this

Then a thought creeps in…

Why the fuck am I feeling this way

In distress, a hot mess, I’m feeling ashamed,

girl, you the one who made it

the one where the clock only ticks for you girl, you just frustrated,

sitting in the corner trynna feel so bad, feel so mad,

this is something that just can’t be had,

girl, you the one they trynna show up,

the girl who they impress but hate on ’cause you blown up,

Up front center bitch you know you ain’t sidelined,

A take a  number bitch, this only works on my time,

Living life, letting go of unnecessary accessories,

letting go of all that shit that be stressing me,

This is the end of the illusions and Friday night benders,

I don’t need this shit, please return back to sender.


Day 10: Redemption/Return to Sender

Day 9: People under the Bed

Sometimes we keep people under the bed. Well at least that what I’m gonna call it. E use to say we have shadows that follow us but they’re shadows we can control. I never understood that term.

Sometimes we keep people under the bed,

They’re in our thoughts

they’re in our head

I keep him by my bed stand so he’s the last thing I see at night

I keep him around and imagine him holding me tight

I keep imaging when he will be lying next to me,

I even have good conversations

I know this sounds so silly

Sometimes we keep people under the bed. E won’t let go so I won’t either. I told him that I would leave them alone if he does the same. He doesn’t answer me so I pretend that he will anyways.

I remember when I took you to my family peyote meeting. I thought you would be the one. My family, they all loved you but you were so rough around the edges. I couldn’t wait to show you off and put my moms mind at ease you see because I’m been alone for all my life and I feel like she wants me to be with someone, so it wouldn’t matter who it winds up being. I remember when we were in the teepee. you made a fool out of me. You didn’t even know how to enter let alone exit. I took that as a premonition to drop your ass but I only felt stupid at the statement my mom made of “it doesn’t take a ceremony to see how shitty he was treating you!”

Sometimes we keep people under the bed

And I still don’t know why

I keep falling for the obvious

and act as if it were a surprise

You treated me like shit acting as if I wasn’t the best you could have ever had. I got your letters in the mail the other day and you sent back all my pictures ALL MY FUCKING PICTURES! What the FUCK! after all that whining and begging and crying of why don’t you send me any pictures please send some pictures and you give them back as if I didn’t take time, money, effort, and energy to send them to you! BUT you sent them back when I didn’t want you anymore, I didn’t want you anymore, I don’t want you anymore!

Sometimes we keep people under the bed

then the bed breaks.


Day 9: People under the Bed

Day 6: Luv will tear us apart

The prompt for today is Luv will tear us apart. What else could I do but use the song by Joy Division. The song has an ironic title that is aimed towards the classic “Love will keep us Together”. The song interprets as people in other relationships who find their own path and end up finding another along that path. This is the same reason why I’m so glad I’m still single at this age. I feel at times I haven’t fully discovered a lot of my strengths and what I am capable of. I realized that a lot of people that I know who are in young relationships sometimes lose out on who they could possibly be. I wonder how many great people who do great things lose that path due to putting “a relationship” first. I’m still unaware of the importance of relationships and how much care or thought I should put into one. When should it get serious and do we all share the same timeline? I would fall into explaining my personal experiences of the matter of having a different path and many not falling into the path but that would just be plain redundant for myself. It’s so good to go forth with whatever feels right without another influence. I am and will be who I was meant to be.

Day 6: Luv will tear us apart

Day 5 : Lust for Love

Today’s prompt is Lust for Love. I’m not really sure what to do for this prompt. Let’s get into it.

Thinking about you. Well it would only be fair if I write a post about him, I do think about him, Shit, maybe I was all about him. I find myself wondering what would happen if we made it. Looking into those hollows eyes, I should have known I faked it. I was slowly ascending into a bleak void.

The space I done crawled out of where I wasn’t able to look at my own face. But then I found myself back again instead of a love, he was only my friend.

You asked me if this was real, I replied I shouldn’t lead you on

You told me “Let me know the deal”

Why did you have to come off so strong

But that’s how it goes

When I don’t want nobody

I force myself to love somebody

It could’ve been anybody

Because we all want love

I just want mine quick, anyway, anyhow,

gotta get it how you live

but I don’t live this way though

But what if I get played though

You’d laugh because I don’t think about that

I’m in the moment, I’m in the mood, I’m in the groove.

For someone who loves consistency

Anxiety made an impression on me

Consistent at night-time whenever I least expect it

this shit was inevitable

I gotta lust for love

I guess love gets me wet

You see I don’t think I don’t think I don’t think I don’t think

I want to be loved I want to be loved I want to be loved I want to be love

just love me love me love me love me

tell me you’ll never leave

and if you do, you’ll still love me because this is true

I think about how you said that I made you happy and you asked if we should get married. I agreed but we both laughed and you said but we really don’t know each other. As I started to talk about myself of who i really was, in comes the love lost in a hail of gunfire. I thought I would be good for you, I made you happy didn’t I? but you said, remember that time when you fingered me and I started to cry that was the moment i knew it was over. you were leading me back to an emotional wreckage that i done removed myself of. I guess is goodbye forever. I got a lust for love. Even when it’s over, I still touch my self sober.

Day 5 : Lust for Love

Day 4: Love Lost in a Hail of Gunfire

Today’s prompt is Love Lost in a Hail of Gunfire. Check out my bestie’s Nilo interpretation of the prompt. For today I chose a song that has rang with me lately. I chose to put in some lyrics that described how I felt about the situation. Although some is out of context of adultery. Playing with an infidelity song and relating to a toxic friendship still does the song justice. Most of the lyrics are way too familiar not to resonate on a profound level.

“I’m long gonna tell my story, I’m the author of my own misfortune.” Over this past weekend, I had an enlightening experience. I was with my friend and we did what we usually did over the weekend and had a few. It was insightful, I felt that I turned a new leaf this year, I remember telling that I’ve been smug while drinking lately. It was a change from the norm. I wasn’t worried about being social and whatnot and enjoyed my buzz. It was almost as if I was trying to reassure her. She brought out our last drink before we headed out to our friendly neighborhood bar. It was a big ‘ol bottle of Champagne. I wasn’t too fond of champoop for reasons usual reasons, it gets you fucked up. Of course I didn’t refuse the offer. She recorded in slow motion the twist off the top. We sang Weezer through the eve of the bottle and decided to head out.

We left and picked up a friend and a foe of mine. He was always acting so unnecessarily bougie. Believe me when I say he has no reason too. I always have this mindset that whenever I hang out with him, nothing goes as planned, but I believe this was the first time I went completely fucked up and drank to my heart’s content. We left for our last trip for the night, a bar down the street. I got into an altercation and all hell broke loose. The night ended up me full on bitch slapping the both of them.

As much as I should feel guilty about the commotion, I don’t. This had been going on for a while, maybe not physically but if it happened enough times, I think that we were trying to say something to each other. I felt that I was trying to salvage a friendship that was unsalvageable. “I shoulda known not to keep you hanging on” We grew apart and it took how many blow outs to figure this out. We were stuck in our high school phase and I realized, I really don’t know her at all. Why couldn’t I have figured this out awhile ago?

She wasn’t a friend that held the strong traits that I need in my life these days and I’d be damn if I keep wasting my time like this. It wasn’t until I talked to my counselor that he reflected my thoughts back to me. He told me that people outgrow each other and it’s okay. When we share the same traumas such as a boarding school trauma, we believed those relationships to be forever but sometimes they’re not. We were stuck. She was stuck. It kept me stuck. It kept me blind to the fact. I mean this bitch wouldn’t let me express how I really felt sometimes. She was too damn sensitive. I don’t believe in censoring people you consider to be close to you no matter what it is.

So I left with no confrontation that I’m use to having. “Ain’t no turning back, you too smart for that” Yeah, I guess she did have enough of tough love. I’m done and never looking back.

“She’s gone, fuck her then…..”

Day 4: Love Lost in a Hail of Gunfire

Day 3: Adultery

Continuing with the Valentine’s blog theme, This is Love, This is Murder, we continue with the prompt Adultery. I had many experiences with Adultery whether I was getting played or getting played with. However you look at it, it’s pretty horrible but can also be great. It’s sort of awakening because you discover so much about a person this way. What I learned is that people are fucked up and temptation is a hell of thing! I felt super basic with this intro because I’m not telling you much. I just remember that the first time I helped play someone, I felt like shit but I kept doing it! I felt that the more times I done it, the receiver whose significant other who was fucking with me was someone I was close with. I started to become numb for them thinking and believing, it ain’t my fault, it’s your fault for staying and not recognizing the signs. I can hear one of them trying to reason with themselves or justify why it’s okay. Guilty conscience much? All I hear is, “Were just good friends like that, it’s like me saying can I play with your titties and you’d be down! Friend shit ya know!” Nah, you don’t just fondle your friends like that. Well at least I don’t. And whatever your promised your lover in the relationship should be respected and I believe physical activity is a common and huge one! But I digressed. I wrote a song/poem inspired from a couple different songs which artist includes ZZ TOP and Desire. Click here to check out my bestie, Nilo’s interpretation of the prompt.

I don’t know why I keep doing what I do but I do

and I don’t care

I don’t know why I keep doing what I do but I do

shit I don’t care

Don’t you come playing with me,

Don’t you dare stare at me,

Don’t ask to take me home,

Don’t try to be alone

with me,

You know it ain’t that right

You can just stare all night,

Please don’t try to hold me tight,

‘But don’t it just feel

so right,

I don’t know why I keep doing what i do but I do

and I don’t care

I don’t know why I keep doing what I do but I do,

said I don’t care

You know all my friends hate me,

It’s hurts to be this free,

They teach these girls to hate,

Why their boyfriends go out and play

That’s why I rewrite these rules,

So you don’t have to feel this way

You know that life can be so cruel,

Talked myself in believing it’s okay,

It’s okay!

Day 3: Adultery

This is Love, This is Murder

Day 1: A Secret Love Letter

I am participating in a blog challenge under the holiday Valentine’s Day with Nilo. I enjoyed it the first year I participated and look forward to doing it again. I feel that Valentines Day, like many holidays turned into a consumer centered holiday focusing on the pressure of being in a relationship or with someone. I like to use this time to reimagined the holiday and maybe steer the direction because for many to love is to lose and to lose means taking that L baby. So I open up today with the first prompt being a secret love letter to One of my first and only love who never left my side to this day.

Dear Love,

it seems like just yesterday we met but I’ve known you for almost all of my life. You cradled me fumes of that stung the nostrils with pleasure at A tender age. From that moment I knew we were going to be together forever. It wasn’t until I was 14 that you decided it was time. Never have I been so scared in my life. You took full force and control over me and my emotions. It was. We. I couldn’t handle and I was afraid of you. I always seem to notice we were only together with friends. It wasn’t til later I wanted to be with you alone. Now that I’m grown, I noticed i still can’t handle you but I want to love you. You make everything feel okay. You also make me notice everything that’s wrong with me. My family and friends love you but the law hates you. You gotten many people in trouble but I always knew you were misunderstood. I want you in my life forever and always but will you be good for me.

Everyone thinks we are still together and in a crazy way I guess we still are. I can’t think about you too much but when the time is right, I want you with me forever and always. You always seem to keep my mom in good company and I thank you for that. She’s been having a hard time lately.

I’ve been thinking of moving out of Oregon but I don’t think you will be ready for where I want to go. I want to move onto to somewhere bigger but just the thought of you not being able to come scares me because even when you aren’t with me everyday, you bring me security. It will only be a matter of time until the world catches on and realizes the benefits of your gifts.  Until then I leave you here. I love you Miss Mary, Mary Jane.

Love you forever and always , 


This is Love, This is Murder