Today’s prompt is Love Lost in a Hail of Gunfire. Check out my bestie’s Nilo interpretation of the prompt. For today I chose a song that has rang with me lately. I chose to put in some lyrics that described how I felt about the situation. Although some is out of context of adultery. Playing with an infidelity song and relating to a toxic friendship still does the song justice. Most of the lyrics are way too familiar not to resonate on a profound level.
“I’m long gonna tell my story, I’m the author of my own misfortune.” Over this past weekend, I had an enlightening experience. I was with my friend and we did what we usually did over the weekend and had a few. It was insightful, I felt that I turned a new leaf this year, I remember telling that I’ve been smug while drinking lately. It was a change from the norm. I wasn’t worried about being social and whatnot and enjoyed my buzz. It was almost as if I was trying to reassure her. She brought out our last drink before we headed out to our friendly neighborhood bar. It was a big ‘ol bottle of Champagne. I wasn’t too fond of champoop for reasons usual reasons, it gets you fucked up. Of course I didn’t refuse the offer. She recorded in slow motion the twist off the top. We sang Weezer through the eve of the bottle and decided to head out.
We left and picked up a friend and a foe of mine. He was always acting so unnecessarily bougie. Believe me when I say he has no reason too. I always have this mindset that whenever I hang out with him, nothing goes as planned, but I believe this was the first time I went completely fucked up and drank to my heart’s content. We left for our last trip for the night, a bar down the street. I got into an altercation and all hell broke loose. The night ended up me full on bitch slapping the both of them.
As much as I should feel guilty about the commotion, I don’t. This had been going on for a while, maybe not physically but if it happened enough times, I think that we were trying to say something to each other. I felt that I was trying to salvage a friendship that was unsalvageable. “I shoulda known not to keep you hanging on” We grew apart and it took how many blow outs to figure this out. We were stuck in our high school phase and I realized, I really don’t know her at all. Why couldn’t I have figured this out awhile ago?
She wasn’t a friend that held the strong traits that I need in my life these days and I’d be damn if I keep wasting my time like this. It wasn’t until I talked to my counselor that he reflected my thoughts back to me. He told me that people outgrow each other and it’s okay. When we share the same traumas such as a boarding school trauma, we believed those relationships to be forever but sometimes they’re not. We were stuck. She was stuck. It kept me stuck. It kept me blind to the fact. I mean this bitch wouldn’t let me express how I really felt sometimes. She was too damn sensitive. I don’t believe in censoring people you consider to be close to you no matter what it is.
So I left with no confrontation that I’m use to having. “Ain’t no turning back, you too smart for that” Yeah, I guess she did have enough of tough love. I’m done and never looking back.
“She’s gone, fuck her then…..”