Anxiety Excerpt- Day 1

So it’s been exactly a week that I have been feeling ultra lightheaded like my head is about to explode. Although, it’s not as bad as it was in the beginning. One week home has raised my blood pressure and turned my nights longing for the day. I have become a wreck at night and loneliness is killing me. I decided that for sure I have to quit drinking. It’s funny because I was suppose to quit a year ago but now it has reached a point where I feel a loss of control and in order to function properly, I have to give it up. I decided to trade alcohol for sex. I noticed that when I had sex, my stress levels diminished for the time being and I want to talk about that tonight.

Friday: Movie Date. Today I was to hang out with a friend, Tina who I have a love/hate relationship with. Not so much hate but more annoyance. Sometimes I question what really keeps us together. Assurance is a big one for myself and at times I feel like it’s the same reason for her. We had countless falling outs but somehow managed to find each other again. Even though being under the influence is a hit or miss, it never completely breaks us. She once told me that when she acts silly, she can only do it in front of me because anyone else would look at her weird. Why would you want to hang out with people that make you feel that way? I refuse to nowadays which results in less acquaintances and more people I can turn to in my times of need of love and compassion. Anyways, we were hanging out on Alberta and it was tempting enough for me to stay and party but I couldn’t be that person, a flake. I feel that I might have done that one too many times. I made plans prior to us linking up with my friend, Katrina. Before I left, Tina told me to let me know what I was doing after in a way that let me know that she needed me.

Date. I made sure everybody was okay before I left to pick up Katrina. The last thing I remember was a indecisive text discussion of what movie theater was closest to her that way we can watch a movie and return her right away. We settled on Clockamas movie theater and seen Ghostbusters. Towards the end of the film, I heard my phone vibrate, I looked at the message and sure enough, Tina was Facebook messaging me: wyd. Below her message I noticed another message from my old friends stepdad asking how I was doing. Let me fill you in really quick about him, we fucked. I was shitty drunk and all i can remember is that before the incident, I was telling everybody at the Dark Horse that he was my dad. Even though I never felt that connection because of how young he is, he tried to label himself so. This was the first time in months that we talked and first time in months since we fucked. My first thought was that he’s drinking and wants to do it again. I replied that I was doing good and I hope the same for him. Then next thing you know, I timing when the movie will end and rushing Katrina home and racing down to Salem. I get there at 1:30am as what I had anticipated. Already at the entrance he’s holding me and trying to kiss me. I responded by saying that we don’t kiss. His response, ” That’ s right we don’t kiss.” He admitted to being high as fuck off of shit. This doesn’t surprise me because I’m starting to believe I have a sign on my forehead that reads, Smoke shit and fuck me Guys!

The rest of the night is tons of confessions and two rounds of intercourse that went by pretty quickly. I started to believe that he was becoming obsessed especially after hearing his comment of how he was infatuated after our first time. I got to admit that it made me feel good. I also realized of how naive he thought I was. He was trying to reason with me saying that, ” we cool enough to just go for it like hey, can I play with your titties?” But then again, I don’t know if he was assuring me or himself. This just happened three nights ago and it resulted in constant masturbation sessions ever since. The thought of the night is helping me cope with my horrible night buddy called anxiety. I’ve had three panic attacks since I been back and I do believe it’s because of alcohol. That’s one less vice that I will have to say goodbye to for awhile.

The night will end of me reading an ebook about how to deal with anxiety attacks sent from my soulmate. I think he especially tired of my 3 am facetime calls when I’m freaking out.

 

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Anxiety Excerpt- Day 1

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