Today, I went in for an engagement group session on my road to substance abuse recovery. The only reason why I want to do this is to quit for the time being while I can maintain my studies in Grad school. That in itself is kind of a problem as well because for those who never read The Shining, that is the reason why Jack ended up at the Overlook hotel due to an alcohol incident in which he ended up hurting a student. Back to what I was saying, I didn’t know what to expect. What do they want us to get out of this interactivity and what do I need to say?
The counselor I had was amazing. There were three of us there for the same thing, alcohol. He starts with a thoughtful question, a basic why are we here but encouraged that we didn’t have to mention anything we didn’t want to. Beforehand, I had something planned. I was thinking that I wanted to share something real but wanted to spare the water works. Not today Satan. Already, there’s this eager, privileged, lady who went through countless AA meetings, had sponsors, and couldn’t wait to put herself out there. Already I was annoyed just by her mentioning that being in Europe triggered her year of sobriety. Must be nice, I thought. Here I am struggling to make it home to Montana for a Peyote meeting and this bitch has money to travel. A little harsh that I was thinking this being that these meetings are suppose to bring positivity to our mentalities.
Once it was my turn to speak, I gave little by little and the counselor was impressed that I was young and already realized what I needed to do to be successful in my life. I have so much respect for counselors being able to listen and summarize what people are going through in a sentence. To my realization, I did that myself. I don’t know how to handle myself, myself. Drinking came at an early age due to self esteem issues so without intense research, I will never know how I would have been without ever starting it. That’s what I’m afraid of. Who am I without alcohol when that’s all I know when it comes to meeting people, interacting with people, to hooking up!? That’s the problem! What I do know is that I’m not going to dwell on what would have been, that’s just unnecessary.
When it’s all said in done, I’m not going to bash alcohol yet I’m not going to praise it either. It’s just another factor in my life that plays an important role in the person who I am now and who I want to become later. Like the counselor was telling us, “it’s going to take a lot of time to receive a little.” He was being real yet that scared the shit out of me. I’m a patient person but my stubbornness expects fast results. Tomorrow is the day I meet my one on one counselor where she picks my brain and all that good stuff. I for sure won’t feel the need to hide anything anymore. In the wise words of Bridget Jones, “It’s time I tell the truth, the whole truth.”